Recently, I ran into a newly Divorced childhood friend in Walmart and she had her two children with her. We were excited to see each other and we walked around catching up on the latest in our lives. She seemed happy and intent with moving forward with her new life. We briefly discussed her husband, child support, and the future of my troubled relationship on the horizon. While we talked, I could not help but to recognize the look of anger in her daughters eyes. Her precious daughters used to be full of life and cheer, but not on this day. I did not mention the look, because I was not sure of the source, but I do remember after paying for our items and saying our goodbyes, the look troubled me, because it was the same look I had when my parents split when I was a child. I carried that look and all the emotions well into my adulthood. I never told my friend, how I really felt about her divorce and how it affected her children, but the evidence was a foreshadow to my own journey into my troubled relationship.
For the past year, I have suffered from arrested development. I discovered that my love and partner of seven years was having multiple affairs and I walked away from the relationship. However, immediately, I was dragged into court and forced to defend myself from a Protective Order, which was filed and based on lies, deception, and the smokescreen appeal of being a victim. In addition to this, the person who I had loved and supported for seven years decided that she would actively prevent my daughter from seeing me. The stress was overwhelming. How could a person, I had given so much to, for so long, and enriched with new life & family, turn around and try to "tar & feather" destroy me? Especially when she is caught in the wrong or did I miss something? At first, I sought to occupy myself with new hobbies like dancing and poetry. I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations to escape, especially coming to terms with new information about my ex, and with the reality of my broken family. For a brief moment, I fell into the self destruction of alcoholism, but quickly realized that the bottom of a bottle is endless and it could never solve the issues I was facing. So, I decided to write about my struggle and one of the reasons I believe my family was broken beyond repair, Toxic Femininity.
Growing up in a single Mother household, I would often hear the devaluing of men and shortcomings of my Father. "Your Daddy isn't sending one cent to make sure you have clothes on your back, food to eat, or lights to see." And I internalized many of these sayings and would often confront my Father with his issues with my Mother. And these ideas prevented me from having the full trust in my Father, even though I would later move in with him and be raised under his guidance. My Father's love was rock steady and 'til this day, I do not know a greater man, than my Father. As I grew older, I got to see the other side of the story, which I did not get from Mother. It wasn't until my Father and I took a trip to our hometown in Africa, at my Grandfather's funeral of seven days, that I finally gave up the anger and Toxic Femininity, that I had carried with me my entire childhood. I was 26 years old. I forgave him because I realized without him, I would not be the productive, sincere, loving, merciful, graceful, en-depth, and resilient character that I am today. Yet, in turn, I had to recognize that my mother's perspective was flawed and one-sided.
Moving forward, I learned that my story was not uncommon in the African American community. In the Post-Civil Rights Era from 1970-2000, the percentage of African American children being raised in a two parent household plummeted from 75% to 33%. In Baltimore City, in 2020, it was recorded that 9 out of 10 African American children were being raised by single parent mothers. And in many cities in America, over 70% of African American women were single. Analysts, and prominent leaders have been sounding the alarm for decades about the destruction of the Black Family and the direct correlation with the loss of Black wealth in America. If the family is the basis of any community or nation, then truly the Black family in America was at the brink of demise. In conjunction with the demise of the Black Family is the rise of Toxic Femininity. The African American woman has become extremely attracted to the Feminist Movement, its ideas, and concepts to attempt to understand their precarious position in America. However, unlike the White American Woman, the Black American woman is also restrained by race and this omission of fact has mislead the masses of our contemporary Mothers, Aunts, and Sisters to support ideas, which disrupt the sanctity and union of their Black families. The common experience of the Black Man and Woman, has been tossed aside and the sword of White American feminism has been brought into the home. The sacrifice is the Black Family. Sojourner Truth, warned her fellow Black sisters & brothers against this omission of fact, in her famous oratory, "Ain't I A Woman?" Truth did this in support of Fredrick Douglas and the right to vote for Black Men over support of the White Feminist Suffrage with Susan B. Anthony. The Black American Woman's plight was inextricable interwoven with the plight of the Black Man in America. Truth's point was valid then and even more today. However, the systems of oppression in the 21st Century are less visible than during the Post-bellum era, yet the vestiges are more entrenched and hidden. Thus, while the Post-Civil Rights Era break up of the Black American Family may seem like the failure of character by Black Men or Black Women, it fails to recognize the systematic economic, political, social and academic influences of the wider American government policies towards African Americans. If the American culture has decided to unemploy, vilify, emasculate, criminalize, de-fund, imprison, and destroy the Black Man, while at the same time, uplift, employ, house, educate, glorify, fund, and worship the Black Woman, then the Black American family ultimately by design was to be the first casualty and sacrifice. In conjunction with the destruction of the Black family has been the rise of Toxic Feminist rhetoric against Men, which seemingly benign fighting for equal pay, equal status, and across the board equality. These aims are just and not a disputed point of feminism in this article. However, Black families have never had the same employment, wealth, or across the board economic rates as White American Families, then how is it justifiable that the Black Woman has become the torch bearer of Feminism in America. The Black Woman's new position, literally torches the concept of the Black family, and adds fuel to the ongoing attack on her sons, brothers, nephews, Uncles, Husbands, and Fathers. Now, back to toxic femininity and the reason my immediate family is broken. One could blame lack of character, infidelity, poor upbringing, or even social media. But I would not be acknowledging the ripple effect of my Ex's mother growing up without a father, and her Mother's personal story for why she choose to raise her daughter without a Father, and now, my Ex's decision to break her own family and raise my daughter without a Father. That is three generations of "Fatherless" women and a true American tragedy. It is not a secret that nature intended children to have both parents. Thus, a belief system that one should raise children alone does not form over night, but rather is a product of experience, and humans are impressionable. The North American form of slavery first introduced the idea or concept of broken family to the African. This idea continues for the same effect, but under a different guise. Toxic Femininity is the excuse or creation of a justification for feminism or the ability to act in benefit of a woman in spite of the affect on the people, male or female surrounding and/or its consequences. It allows women to justify doing whatever they want regardless of the results or consequences in the name of feminist progress. Toxic Femininity will justify wearing revealing clothing in church, among people who conserve or believe women serve as the model for others and how they should be treated. Toxic Femininity endorses promiscuity & divorce, not because of domestic abuse or infidelity, but because "you've fallen out of love," and fails to see how it destroys the children and family. Toxic Femininity then turns and destroys itself, because it is a system of worshiping oneself, as a woman. Views in toxic femininity are held not just by women but by men, as well. I, myself purported these concepts erroneously to my Father and to other "Deadbeat," Dads. Thus, these ideas are not delegated to women alone. Toxic Femininity and Feminism at large, endorses homosexuality and lesbianism, which is contrary to African tradition. It must be stated, that the African offense to homosexuality is not because of lack of introduction, but a flat out rejection from the culture because of our attachment to nature & ancestral worship. African communities were based on agrarian & communal traditions, where defense and village population could determine whether a clan or tribe survived or perished. Large families were crucial to survival. Some will say that Sodom and Gomorrah were a "Black" settlements and the offense lead to many nations warring to destroy not just the practice, but the very idea of homosexuality in those cities. Africans have not forgotten this history. However, I digress... Toxic Femininity is extremely narcissistic, the epitome of vanity, and a character in the cult of personality. It is not to be taken lightly because all American families are being afflicted with misguided Feminism due to the improper teaching of its tenets & history in the American public school system. I pray the Black American family can both recognize and discard this evil for the sake of our children, our daughters, sisters, nieces, Aunts, Wives, Mothers, and ourselves.
-Uriel Wise
PS. This article does not omit Toxic Masculinity's role in the break up of the Black Family. However, we are in a pendulum swing and we are looking at the American social attempt to destroy the Black Male. A time similar to the birth of Moses, birth of Jesus, or the Birth of Us...
The following video will self destruct... Courtesy of Corey Holcomb's 5150 Show
